As you all may have noticed by now, our initials say something they didn’t before — something we thought of for a very long time before finally making the decision. And I realize that I never properly paid homage to that so here we are, in the new year, ready to reintroduce ourselves. First and foremost, thank you. Thank you for sticking with us in the midst of all the changes and thank you for joining in whenever you have or whenever you will. Thank you for the kindness and the wonderful feedback, I could never find the right words to showcase my gratitude. And thank you for challenging our opinions with your constructive criticism, it’s made us better.
2017 was perhaps one of the darkest years in recent history. But personally, it came with a lot of confusion — as the world around us darkened, time was never on my side, and there was a lot of sadness, a lot of anger where my dreams were concerned. Sometimes, it’s realizing that the dreams and visions you’ve had for yourself are perhaps not meant to be yours. It’s realizing that the things that once brought you pure joy simply aren’t doing that anymore. And out of that dark heartache of wondering what’s wrong with me, I came to the understanding that it’s not me — it just is. There’s nothing wrong with the fact that I don’t love every superhero movie that’s released. There’s nothing wrong with the fact that I’m not loving the same genre of television I once used to — there was a time in history where I could actually stomach medical TV shows, but today, they’re too sensitive of a genre for me. I physically cannot handle it. I imagine you’re all wondering why I’m talking about this here, as am I. But that’s the thing, changes have occurred. I once refused to stop writing about a series that made me unhappy because if I started it, then I had to finish it, but I needed to let go of that stubborn mentality. Because I realized, that’s just as toxic as if I were just spewing negativity because the emotions I’m writing, no matter how kind, aren’t as authentic. Things change.
I still see myself as a host one day, you’ve got to be a complete stranger on here to know that’s always been my dream, but today’s not that day, and it’s time I stop beating myself up for it because the truth is, none of this a surprise to God. He knew I’d blow that opportunity I got at 19 because I wasn’t ready. And there’s a lot I’ve done when I wasn’t ready, but today, I can say that perhaps what always stopped me then is that I knew I had a lot of growing to do before I could stomach the industry. Because I’m now in my mid-twenties, and I still can’t stomach it, especially today, a time where I’m genuinely terrified to praise any male actor, director, producer, cinematographer, etc. because what if he too has sexually assaulted or abused someone and buried it under a rug. And here’s the thing, I always knew the industry wasn’t glitz and glamour, I’ve had my fair share of experiences in it, but I suppose naiveté or optimism never allowed me to imagine that it’s this ugly. While I applaud and will always stand with the women who are saying Times Up! and wearing black at noted award shows, I’m just not sure if I want to be up on that stage as well. A stage I’ve dreamt of my entire life. And I think that’s just it, for so long I believed that I had to have it together by now, but life’s never as we imagine it — a fact I’m now more than fine with.
TV, film, music, and literature has always been my perfect escape, but what happens when you’re completely submerged into something you love, when you get a taste of your dreams, and they break you? What happens when you’re just unsure and you’re torturing yourself trying to push through knowing very well that your means of writing just aren’t welcomed in Hollywood. And there it is. That’s something I’ve known for a while now, but I’ve tried to push through. I tried pushing the boundaries, writing the kind of reviews that provided analysis as opposed to a summary along with my meaningless opinion that 90% won’t even agree with. I was never a critic. That was never my goal. I wanted something different, I wanted to point out the absolute best in something because there’s too much negativity, and I just don’t know if different is welcomed. The fight has only just began for making the industry a better place and I definitely still want to be a part of that, but I don’t know if it wants me.
You know in La La Land when Mia says:
“Maybe I’m one of those people that has always wanted to do it, but it’s like a pipe dream for me. You know, and then you, you said it. You change your dreams and then you grow up. Maybe I’m one of those people and I’m not supposed to. And I can go back to school and I can find something else that I’m supposed to do. ‘Cause i left to do that. And its been six years and I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Fun fact, when this scene aired in the theater, my best friend turned to me and asked if I’m okay. Because even though the tears were silent she knew how hard that’d hit me. But this is the reality and my life isn’t a movie, I’m not going to get some call tomorrow that says, hey we want you to blah blah blah. I’ve just got to take it day by day.
And 973 words later, because surely no one is surprised by that count, I’m getting to my point. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m not sure what dream I’m chasing. I’m not sure where I’m going. But, we’re going to figure it out together — if I’ve ever been anything on here, it’s honest. I’ve unabashedly poured my heart into each and every article in spite of the fact that some people would say it’s too much. “You cry too much.” “You’re too this.” “You’re too that.” And my favorite, “you’re too positive.” Shrugs. This is who I am, folks, I see the darkness but 90% of the time I choose the light and maybe one day I’ll exhaust myself out of that, but something tells me that as long as I have Jesus, that’ll remain a huge part of me.
So here’s the thing, now I’m really getting to my point. Marvelous Geek Circles won’t just be a place for reviews — it’ll be a place for all the things I love that I hope, some of you will, too. As much as I’m a giant ridiculously invested media nerd, I’m also so much more than that. I’m a huge fan of Jesus — let me tell you all about how much he loves you, yeah you! I’m constantly itching for my next travel destination. I buy way too much makeup. (Seriously, someone stop me.) I love dressing up. I plan my Instagram’s aesthetics way too much. And once upon a time, I wanted to be an Interior Designer because decor is everything, yo — still is. I love planning themed parties and wrapping presents and giving presents. I care about nature so much that if you put me in the midst of large trees I’ll start crying. Sometimes, I want to run away to a small town and just live the simplest life possible.
We’re going to devote some time into exploring all of these, and if you’ve come for the reviews, don’t worry there will still be plenty, the entertainment industry just won’t be my only focus and I hope that’s okay. This was perhaps one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make because it felt like I was giving up, and I’m not, but regardless, if I disappoint anyone, I’m sorry. But sometimes, the healthiest thing we could do for ourselves is just let things be, take it slow. The sleepless nights writing reviews will always be worth it, but coming to terms with the fact that I’m not bending and breaking for anything other than my loved ones has me feeling great for once.
We’ve all got dreams. We work hard for those dreams. We give our all for those dreams. And then sometimes, the dreams shift a little — somewhere along the way, we understand that some things just aren’t meant to be, they’re not in the cards for us, or they demand just a little bit more time. I’m trying to figure out where I’m at in the midst of all this, and I’m sure I’m not alone with that feeling.